


I'd Be Lying If I Told You I'm Fine (But I Lie)

by rakkel



Series: Rust and Stardust [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 15:22:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15754431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rakkel/pseuds/rakkel
Summary: Taako arrives in Raven's Roost. Magnus gives him a tour. Someone unexpected comes to the rescue.





	I'd Be Lying If I Told You I'm Fine (But I Lie)

**Author's Note:**

> This is part 2 of the Rust & Stardust series, and it doesn't make much sense as a standalone. Please read Part 1 first! Thanks!
> 
> Hey, this one graphically details a panic attack, so if that's a trigger please watch out for yourself. The elf is broken. 
> 
> Check the tags!

Taako had been to Raven’s Roost a total of one time. He’d gone to visit Magnus during the rebuilding of his hometown, but his other responsibilities kept him from returning anytime soon. Taako had always meant to go back, to visit Magnus more often, but it became easier to just see Magnus at public events or when he came into town to visit. If he was being honest with himself, Taako didn’t like the atmosphere of Raven’s Roost. Even with the rebuilding efforts, the town carried with it a weight of the troubles it had seen. Magnus carried the weight of his loss. Taako didn’t like all the memories Magnus had attached to that place and the tragedy that occurred there. He didn’t like the way the town’s dark past kept Taako on edge. He could feel it like an itch on his skin. So he didn’t visit. 

And Kravitz wanted him to spend a week there. He wasn’t nervous; he’d be hard pressed to find himself nervous around someone as close to him as Magnus. And yet he still found himself stalling, trying to prolong the inevitable as he delicately went through his closet one item at a time, deciding what to wear during his little _vacay _, as he was forcing himself to think of it.__

__So, not nervous, but definitely not looking forward to the week ahead of him. Taako took his time choosing seven specific outfits - might as well look amazing, if he was going to emotional rehab. Ugh._ _

__That’s what this was about, right? Taako let himself be vulnerable for once and now he was paying for it. Kravitz was trying to _fix_ him, however pure his intentions were. Honestly, Taako could have put up a fight if he wanted to, but he was just so tired. Maybe a week bro-ing out with Magnus would be the distraction he needed to _pull his shit together_. _ _

__When his luggage was finally packed and he was out of excuses, Taako meandered back into the common room where Kravitz was waiting. Taako couldn’t meet his eye._ _

__Kravitz rose from where he had been perched on the couch when Taako entered the room. “Do you have everything you need?” Taako watched as the reaper fiddled with his hands in front of him, a nervous tick._ _

__“Yeah, I guess. Not like Mags is gonna be throwing ragers for the dumb, broken elf.” He meant it as a joke, but he still winced when it came out. Too harsh, too hurt. Too close to home. Kravitz sighs._ _

__“It’ll only be a week, dear. And if you’re having a truly horrendous time, you can call me and I will come get you.” Kravitz stepped forward and settled his hands on Taako’s waist. “I love you, Taako. I only wish to see you well.”_ _

__He wanted so badly to lean into Kravitz, to forgive him and ask to stay. He could be fine, he could pretend to be. “I know,” he sighed, accepting that it was true. Kravitz did love him, he couldn’t deny that. “I’ll try,” he whispered. It was as close to vulnerability he could let himself get, and he only did it to see the tightness in Krav’s shoulders relax a little._ _

__“I love you,” Kravitz repeated, pressing a gentle kiss to Taako’s forehead. “Are you ready?”_ _

__“I guess so.”_ _

__They arrived in Raven’s Roost mere seconds later, thanks to the Reaper’s handy method of travel. Magnus’s house was small, especially in comparison to Taako’s own. It was clear that Magnus had built it himself; the house was sturdy and beautiful with cherry wood finishes. Magnus had poured his soul into this house._ _

__Taako was still looking around when Kravitz knocked on the large wooden door. The house had been unfinished the last time he came to visit. He was a little surprised to see how much Magnus had accomplished, but then again, he hadn’t visited in a long time, and Magnus was a very dedicated man._ _

__The door opened. And there was Magnus, wearing a pair of well-fitting jeans and a loose shirt. His face broke out in the same wide grin he always got when seeing his friends, and then Taako and Kravitz were being smushed together in the arms of Magnus’s embrace. Taako wiggled until the human put them back down._ _

__“What, didja miss me or something?” Taako joked, grinning up at Magnus. The human’s smile had always been infectious._ _

__“Nah, just wanted to see if I could still lift you,” Magnus shot back. He turned his gaze to Kravitz. “Welcome to Raven’s Roost. Kinda funny, I guess, since you work for the Raven Queen and all.” Magnus rambled on until Kravitz stopped him._ _

__“Thank you, Magnus. Your home is lovely. I’m afraid I must be off, though. Taako, are you okay?” Kravitz stepped forward to cradle Taako’s face in his hand. Taako was still grinning._ _

__“I’m fine, babe. Go on, I love you. See you next week.” Taako pressed a quick kiss to Kravitz’s surprised face. He didn’t say he loved him nearly often enough. In this exact moment, Taako forgot about why he was here and what was wrong with him. He loved Kravitz and he was here to spend time with Magnus. He was happy._ _

__Kravitz said his goodbyes, opened a rift, and then he was gone. Taako was left standing on Magnus’s doorstep with his suitcase._ _

__“You gonna show me around, or am I gonna stand here all week?”_ _

__Magnus chuckled and opened the door wider to allow Taako inside. The next several minutes were spent touring the house Magnus had built, from the large kitchen (“In case you wanted to cook here”), to the several spare bedrooms (“In case any of you came to visit”), to the large deck attached to the back of the house. It was decorated with potted plants and wind chimes, and Taako took an instant liking to this particular area._ _

__The tour ended with them sitting on the couch. Taako’s bag was abandoned near the door, and there it lay, forgotten for now. Magnus was sitting close to Taako, his face alight as he recounted stories of his rebuilding efforts and his dog school. Taako found it easy to forget himself a little, losing himself in Magnus’s intoxicating energy and overwhelming nearness._ _

__After an hour or so of talking, Magnus’s hand landed on Taako’s thigh. “I missed you.” He said softly, too sincere for the moment. Taako’s skin prickled with it._ _

__“Yeah, bud, I’m sorry I haven’t dragged myself out here. I know I should have.” Sincere and deflective all at once. Nice one, Taako._ _

__“I was surprised when Kravitz called me. He said you aren’t doing well?”_ _

__“Would literally rather die than have this convo, thanks but no thanks. Taako’s good, man. Always have been.” As he said it, his eyebrows lifted as if they were challenging Magnus to rebute._ _

__He didn’t. “Well, good, then. I’m glad you’re here.”_ _

__They sat in silence for a too-long moment, then Taako stood up. He retrieved his suitcase, placing it delicately in front of him. “Where’s my room?” He asked, too formal. Too polite._ _

__“Oh, um, right through here.” Magnus led him to a guest bedroom near his own. “I’ll uh, leave you to unpack, then.” He said stiffly. He hesitated in the doorway, then left, and Taako was alone in his room._ _

__Last night and the events of the the morning caught up with him. He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at his suitcase. He wasn’t here to catch up with Magnus, no matter how much it seemed so. He was here because he was broken, and Kravitz had given up on him. Taako’s heart clenched painfully at the thought, knowing it was true._ _

__He’d shown Kravitz the deeply broken parts of himself, dark caverns of darkness covered in the shattered glass of an image of what he once was, who he used to be. Unwillingly, he’d let his entire self be laid bare before Kravitz’s gaze, and Kravitz had responded by sending him away, an attempt to rid himself of the burden Taako had become. Some part of Taako wanted to believe that wasn’t true, that Krav was trying to help him, but the evidence was clear: Taako was at Magnus’s house, and Kravitz was nowhere to be seen._ _

__He felt a swell of tears behind his eyes. _Stupid_ to cry over a boyfriend that has better things to do than tend to Taako. _Stupid_ to cry here, in Magnus’ house, when the human had done nothing to cause it. _Stupid_ to cry at all. Taako blinked the tears away, refusing to let himself be the type of person that cries over stupid shit. He’s been through hell and more, his _boyfriend_ of all people wasn’t going to break his resolve. _ _

__He didn’t unpack. Half of him wanted to pick up his Stone and call Kravitz, beg him to come get Taako because he could do better, could be better, if that’s what the reaper wanted. He really _did_ love Kravitz. The stronger part of him wanted to shut Kravitz out, wait for him to come to Taako. Instead, he sighed and tried to pull himself together. _ _

__He checked his hair and mascara in the mirror. Once he had decided it was good, Taako left his bedroom and wandered back into the den, where Magnus was waiting for him. The fighter gave him a big grin, which Taako halfheartedly returned._ _

__“Hey, why don’t you show me around town? You’ve been rebuilding this place, right?”_ _

__Magnus got a weird look on his face. It’s gone before Taako examined it. The fighter stood up, giving Taako another grin. “Okay! I’ll show you what I’ve been doing here.”_ _

__And so the evening goes, the two of them wandering through Raven’s Roost. Magnus told him everything there was to know about the town and its history, but Taako was only half listening. This is the town Lucretia gave to Magnus, after she’d taken everything. She gave him a family and a job and a _purpose_ , while Taako had been abandoned with an abusive boyfriend and a shitty cooking show. A lot of the loneliness from those years stuck with Taako. He’d had nobody. Nobody wanted him. And the first love of his life (as far as he knew, at the time) tried to kill him, instead killing _forty people_ and leaving the blame on Taako. _ _

__Even now, knowing the truth of the situation, Taako felt a sickening wave of guilt. No matter what anyone said, he was still the one to feed those people their deaths. They trusted him with their food and he betrayed them. He didn’t even die with them. Taako knew he should have, he was supposed to--_ _

__“--Taako? Are you listening, Taako? Dude. Are you okay?” He was broken out of his self-deprecating spiral by Magnus’s hand on his shoulder. He was bent in front of the elf, his eyes soft with concern. “Hey buddy, you with me?”_ _

__Taako nodded, too choked up to speak at the moment. He hated this, hated for anyone else to see it. Hated himself for being this way._ _

__“I think I have just the thing you need.” Magnus lifted his body from Taako’s view and the elf noticed where they were. “This is the dog training school I opened. And the end of our tour. Come on,” Magnus grabbed Taako’s wrist and pulled him inside, the excitement evident in his voice and his eyes and his shoulders._ _

__Taako was dragged into the building, where Magnus immediately led him behind the counter and into the back rooms. Magnus was fast, but not fast enough that Taako didn’t notice the photograph on the front desk. Magnus, young and as happy as Taako had ever seen him, with his arm wrapped around a woman. She was sturdy, strong, like she was capable of building just as much as Magnus was. Julia. Once again Taako was hit with a selfish flood of want. It wasn’t _fair_ , he thought, that Magnus had been given everything he’d ever wanted while Taako had everything stolen from him. His heart started racing again, as it always did when he was reminded of the trauma he’d been through. He tried his best to focus on the tour. _ _

__Cages and kennels lined the walls. Taako noticed immediately that they were empty. “Those are just for sleeping in. Dogs don’t belong in cages.” Magnus said quietly, then gestured to a door. The door led outside, where several dogs were running around in a fenced in area. There were toys for the dogs to play with and fixtures for the dogs to interact with. Taako had to laugh at how incredibly _Magnus_ this place was. _ _

__And the fighter himself seemed more in his element even than when he was fighting. Magnus walked forward and crouched, letting the dogs jump up onto him and lick his face. He had no way of knowing about the storm swirling in Taako’s brain, or the fast pace of his heart. He was laughing in delight, and well, his laugh was infectious too. Taako sat beside him. Several dogs circled him, unsure if they should trust him or not, but eventually they came to sniff and then lick him. Taako made an exaggerated disgusted face at Magnus when a dog licked over his mouth, but Magnus knew it wasn’t genuine._ _

__Eventually, the dogs accepted Taako. One (“Jessup,” Magnus supplies) brings Taako a ball and lets it drop into Taako’s lap. He picks it up, glances at Magnus, and throws the ball as far as he can. All the dogs run toward it except one. A small, tawny grey dog stays focused on Taako. She sniffs his face, then circles him again. After making her lap, the dog sits beside Taako, sharp eyes watching the other dogs as they come running back._ _

__Magnus is watching him again with that same weird expression from earlier. Taako quirks an eyebrow at him. He couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding. This was Magnus’ place, his town, his life, and Taako had showed up uninvited to ruin it all. Magnus had had the perfect life. He’d had Julia, and even Julia’s memory suited Magnus well. But this, a babysitter for his dumb, broken friend? That wasn’t what Magnus deserved. He felt dizzy again with the injustice of it all._ _

__His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp bark from the dog beside him. She was standing again, forming a protective barrier between Taako and the rest of the dogs. Magnus tilted his head and waved the other dogs off, curious to see what this one did. Once the other dogs were gone, the small deerhound nosed her way under Taako’s arm, then stood. She tugged on his shirt a couple times, then barked urgently._ _

__Taako turned to Magnus, bewildered, but Magnus had adopted the same sense of urgency the dog was exhibiting. “Taako, stand up.” He did, only wobbling a little, which was impressive considering how fucking _dizzy_ he was. The dog immediately started trotting to the building, so Magnus led Taako after her. The dog sat and barked once at the chair behind the counter. Magnus set Taako into it, watching the dog. “Taako, what’s going on?”_ _

__“I don’t fucking know, it’s your dog!” The picture of Magnus and Julia was in front of him now. He couldn’t look at it. He hated how selfish he was. He hated how badly he wanted the happiness Lucretia had given Magnus instead of him. He wished he could just be grateful that Magnus was happy while he was, before everything fell to pieces. Before Taako crashed back into his life, undoubtedly changing things for the worse._ _

__The dog barked again. She trotted to the small trash can by the corner of the desk and pushed it with her nose to Taako’s feet. Which was awfully convenient because as soon as it was close, Taako bent in half and puked. The deerhound pushed past Magnus once again, retrieving a bottle of water from the shelf in the pantry room. She carried it back to Taako._ _

__“This is one hell of a nurse you got here.” Taako groaned out, taking the water. He still felt sick to his stomach. He looked up, saw the picture, and puked again. The dog was suddenly at his feet again, pulling his pants leg until he stood up, stumbling with how dizzy he was. The dog ran to the door and barked at it until Magnus came to open it. He led Taako out onto the front steps of Hammer and Tails, where the elf plopped down heavily. He sat there, drinking his water, and the dog sat beside him._ _

__“Taako, this dog has been trained as a service dog. She wouldn’t be acting like this if you weren’t exhibiting symptoms of someone needing help. What the fuck is going on?”_ _

__Huh. So the dog knew when he was losing his shit. Taako reached out to pet the dog’s head, which she immediately leaned into. He had to admit, being out of the building had helped a lot to slow his heart rate. He was calming down now, the thoughts slowing in his brain. “Cool party trick,” he muttered._ _

__Magnus sat beside him. “Are you doing better?” Taako nodded, because it was true, he was feeling better. The dog had laid its head in Taako’s lap now. “Are we gonna talk about this?” For a long moment, Taako simply stared at Magnus, at his rich brown eyes. He shook his head. Magnus sighed. “Figured not.” He paused, and then, “You know we’ll have to talk about this eventually, right? Like, that’s why you’re here.”_ _

__Taako knew it was true, but that didn’t make him any more eager to have the discussion. “I’m tired, Mags. Can we just get some elven food from the place by your house? I wanna see if they have any idea how to cook good, elven comfort food.”_ _

__Tonight, at least, was a lost cause as far as getting Taako to talk went. Magnus nodded. “Okay. You know the dog has to stay here, right?”_ _

__Taako seemed surprised to notice the dog was still there. “Of course, why wouldn’t she?”_ _

__Magnus nodded again. “Okay, let’s go then.”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Drowning" by The Eden Project
> 
> As always, thank you to Alex and their husband for beta reading this. 
> 
> You can find me on Twitter @ therakkel or on Tumblr @ drowninginships  
> Alex is my co-creator for this project, you can find them on Twitter/Tumblr @ princeforestfox


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